Sudden explosions
Beginning a new chapter
Welcome twenty fifteen

I feel it

I feel it when I wake up
And the sky is a violent shade of pink
As it celebrates the simple miracle
Of a new, untouched day

I feel it when I collapse onto clean sheets
After all the stains have seen washed away
And the scent of freshness lingers
Enveloping me completely

I feel it when she hugs me
Bigger, tighter, stronger
Like she doesn't ever want to let go
Because it's new to be wanted

I feel it when I make him laugh
And when it rains so hard and the thunder is so loud that the world sounds like it's collapsing
And when I hear songs that remind me life is beautiful
Even more when she sings them as loud and passionately as her lungs will allows
And mostly when we both sing them together

I feel it
This new sensation
I think it's called joy

Maybe when I'm old
And my skin is wrinkled
And my hair is starlight grey
I won't be able to look back
And tell of my grand adventures
Over mountains
Through caves
Under ocean depths
But at least I will be able to say
I loved well
And in the end
That is the greatest adventure of them all

Stars and a Sepia Sky

One Sentence Story

If I touch you I'm afraid the world might tear in two.

Wondering and Thinking

I spend my days wondering
And thinking
Of you
I spend my nights watching the stars thinking
And wondering
If you are
too

Creative Writing: Darkness and Light

Darkness came in secret
But obviously
He was an evident whisper
Like water so hot it becomes freezing
His gentle grip tightened
And I became ensnared

Darkness
A cloak of nothing
Nothing with nothing hands
Nothing hands that hold me tight
Nothing, Nothing, Nothing
How can I escape this Night,
This Nothing
This Darkness

I fought

I pounded on the Nothing knuckles
Squeezing me
I clawed at the Nothing fingernails
Pricking me

But Darkness is only defeated by Light
And Light cannot be found in Nothing

But as I struggled
I saw a glimmer
Small at first
But then thousands

Light in the Nothing?
How could this be?
But it was there
A sparkling invitation to Life

So the Light shone through the Darkness
And Darkness was defeated
For little did Darkness know
That Nothing is the place of the stars
Stars that give hope
And Light that sets me free

One Sentence Story

You have built my adventurous heart a home, now there is no place I'd rather be.

Mental Illnesses as Adjectives

I'm not entirely sure what the deal is. You're making a comment about how you like things to be neat and tidy and "Oh, I'm so OCD!" comes flying out.

Out of all the beautiful, colorful words in all the languages, people nowadays tend to choose to wrongfully assign names for various mental illnesses to inanimate objects, living things that aren't capable of having mental illnesses, and themselves even though they do not struggle with mental illnesses.

You may be rolling your eyes right now saying, "Good grief Kate! It's just a joke!" Well if that's what you're thinking, I'm glad you're here. Let me show you what exactly your "jokes" are doing.

About one in four people struggle with a mental illness. There are a variety of different diagnoses and names, some more well known and some that very few people have ever heard of. Recently I've become more aware of people using the more commonly known diagnoses as adjectives to describe next to everything. Why is this a problem? Well, when you describe your house as "schizophrenic" because it's decorated for two different holidays (even though the correct term would actually be DID), it is incredibly degrading for those of us who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia for a similar disorder. It makes us feel ashamed and invalidated. It promotes the stigma that already surrounds all types of mentally ill people every day.

When you say "I'm so OCD!" because you have to wash your hands every time you touch something nasty, remember there is a person out there who is trying to complete their routine flawlessly because if they don't they will have to repeat it, or harm themselves.

When you say "I'm so depressed because I couldn't get those pants." remember that someone can't convince themselves to do anything because they are so overwhelmed with numbness and color and joy has disappeared from their world, sometimes without reason.

When you say "She looks so anorexic!" about a thin girl at school, remember there are dangerously skinny boys and girls in the hospital fighting for their lives because this disorder is telling them that they shouldn't eat and they do not have the energy to take control by themselves anymore.

When you say "he went all schizo", remember a person is curled up in bed trying to block out voices in their head that are screaming terrible things about them and that they have no reason to live anymore. Remember sometimes that person is me.

So don't contribute to the stigma. Just like you wouldn't tell rape jokes or cancer jokes, don't tell mental illness jokes. We are humans with emotions and a need for love and our illnesses don't take that away from us. There are billions of words in the English language and billions more in the many other languages this beautiful world holds, so when you have the choice to use one of them instead of a diagnosis, please do. We all thank you.

Moving On From Unhealthy Relationships

One of the things that has been the biggest problems in my life is my tendency to enter unhealthy relationships. I do this for a variety of reasons but mostly because I have a hero complex that holds hands with my ever-constant need to please everyone therefore taking my love of people and want to help them to such an extreme place that I become absolutely blind to the flaws of others.

This is exactly what triggered my ED. The doctor I looked up to and respected told me how I should lose weight and build muscle tone (even though I wasn't in need of either) so I followed his commands and proceeded to lose 27 pounds, my personality, and my happiness. I gave absolutely no thought to the idea that maybe he was wrong and I was fine just the way I was.

Shortly after, I started my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. He was so messed up and I was so messed up so the thought of us coming together and healing each other was enough to make me completely disregard how horribly he treated the people I cared about. Well, life is not a John Green novel. I learned that quick enough.

So how does one move on from these relationships? Well let me tell you something. It's hard and it takes time. Even after you've realized that the people you idolized are actually not all that perfect, there's still the anger and hurt and painful feeling that maybe you could fix it somehow. I'm just starting to finally let go of my ex-boyfriend after spending a full year stalking him and refusing to move forward with my life. But here's what I've learned so far:

#1: It's okay not to move on right away. Seeing someone in a new light is a hard experience and it takes time to accept. People urging you to get on with your life need to calm down and just be there for you. Don't feel guilty for not being ready to let go.

#2: Let yourself feel. God has given us horrible and marvelous things called emotions. It is perfectly fine to feel them. Let yourself be angry and sad and hurt (just make sure you're expressing it in healthy ways.)

#3: Gradually stop trying to start conversations with them. With my ex, I was always trying to think of reasons so text him. Tell your mind to take a break and let them be. It will make moving on easier.

#4: Delete old pictures and messages and throw away or put away things that remind you of the person. With my doctor, this meant switching to a whole new doctor. With my ex, this meant deleting all the things and putting things he'd given to me up in the attic where I don't see them. You can't move on when you're constantly being reminded of a person.

#5: Talk to someone. I know this sounds like the generic "how to move on from your last breakup" step you find in tabloids everywhere, but it is actually very important. Being able to express how you feel to another human being who can offer comfort and support you works wonders.

Remember, you are a special individual with a great purpose and you have the power to change lives. Don't waste that potential on someone who doesn't care for you properly.

Hearing Voices

In which I derp in my spinning chair and  talk about my experience with hearing voices in an incredibly unorganized manner.

I told someone once
That they looked beautiful when they smiled
They turned and glared at me, remarking
'At least I don't have smile lines'

I,
Of course,
Do

Oh, these canyons of joy
Mountains of inexpressible bliss
Why are you frowned upon?
Why must we look on you with distain?
I have a whole world's geography on my face

I have one for meeting my little sister
One for riding a bike by myself for the first time
One for my final curtain call
One for loving a boy
One for losing him
One just because
One for rainy days
One for aceing that math test
One for meeting my best friend
One for laughing with her
One for discovering that life might not be so bad after all

I rejoice in the beauty of these lines
For I'd rather have these scars of my happiness
Than have none and be without hope

I'm back again
As I always am
In this room
Closed in
Cramped
Trapped
Waiting for my fate
To be decided
By strangers
No matter the outcome
I fear I will collapse
Under the weight of my own thoughts

Maybe nothingness would be better

I wrote in my journal and now I'm scared of myself.

I am bursting
Spontaneously combusting
An ever-constant supernova
Of words
Of ideas
Of feelings
Of dreams
It's all too little yet far too much

I am tearing at the seams

Coping Ideas

I know a lot of people that struggle with a variety of destructive things, from thoughts to self harm, including myself. Over the years, I've compiled a list of ideas that I use to help me when I'm feeling low. So, I decided to share my list in the hopes that it might help someone! If you struggle with anything like this and want to talk to me, please feel free to comment or message me. :)

1. Paint your nails. Get creative and do lots of different colors! If you need to, you can just remove it afterwards.
2. Make a cup of tea, coffee, or hot chocolate. Not only is it productive, but the results are calming.
3. Knit. There is so much you can do with yarn and kitting needles it's ridiculous.
4. Write a letter to someone you love! The art of snail mail hasn't died out just yet.
5. Get glow-in-the-dark or glitter paint and draw with it. Write beautiful quotes and decorate! I'm a very visual person so this helps me a lot.
6. Love on a stuffed animal and snuggle up in a warm blanket. It's so comforting and it also might let you get some sleep in!
7. Watch a movie. A really good movie that brings your spirits up possibly with songs you know all the words to.
8. Put on relaxing music. Or go to a site like MyNoise.com! Instrumental music works best. I have CDs from my childhood that I play sometimes and it helps a lot.
9. Go for a walk. Sometimes we all need to be reminded of the intricate beauty of nature and the healing power of fresh air.
10. Bake something! Cookies, cake, whatever! Better yet, make some to give to some friends too.

I hope these help.

Happy November! The cooler weather is finally here and it's starting to be socially acceptable to play Christmas songs (although I was already playing them in July). Time to break out the hot chocolate!

Maybe it was too radical,
Saying "I love you."
And meaning it
Not just with my mind
But with my soul

It is both saddening and encouraging to know that I can never have enough time to see all the beautiful things in the world.

Oh the happiness
An open window can bring
The stars watch me sleep

Bodies are accents
Each a little unique
And everyone always wants someone else's
Well as for me,
I wanted to be an entirely new language
But I have found peace now in the dialect
Of myself

I Wrote a Thing About My Experience with Voices

Regarding Trying

"Do or do not, there is no try."-Yoda

Since the premiere of The Empire Strikes Back in May of 1980, this quote has been used a motivation for people to plush themselves to their limits and succeed at whatever they attempt.

I know a lot of families where " I tried" is not an acceptable excuse for anything. You either did it or you didn't do it and if you didn't you better get it done.

And this is one of the most frustrating things I see parents do to their kids.

"But Kate, kids need to learn that they need to do things without excuses because one day they're going to have jobs and go to college and blah blah blah..."

Believe me, I understand that. However there is a very important point that everyone needs to realize.

Here it is.

You ready?

While one day these kids/teens might have jobs and families and go to college, right now THEY ARE STILL KIDS. They are still growing and learning and turning into the amazing person they will one day become. They still need a lot of things and one of those things is to know that no matter what, they are supported and loved as they grow.

And you know what growing means?

Mistakes.

Sometimes trying means making mistakes.

Mistakes need to be made as we grow so we can improve and become greater and better people. A bad grade on a geometry exam pushes a student to study harder next time. A failed friendship makes the friend reconsider who they want to be for others. A breakup makes individuals reevaluate who they are in and of themselves. Through all of it, school and friends and more-than-friends, we are making mistakes and learning from them. We are trying, and failing sometimes, so that we can be better.

Sometimes trying means "small" things.

Not everyone is good at the same things and what seems easy for one person could be difficult for another. Things many people do naturally like getting out of bed or eating or taking care of themselves properly can be hard for a good bit of people. Sometimes these people try and try and fail and fail and our society has lead them to believe that because they never succeed that they are not valuable. So they give up.

This needs to change.

We should not have people pushing themselves to have perfect bodies, perfect grades, perfect relationships, or perfect anything and while not all of this is caused by People Against Trying, a good bit of it could be prevented if we just accepted the perfect imperfections that we have been created to have.

I should not have felt pressure from my doctor to lose weight because he wanted me to have a more perfect body.

My friends should not feel pressure to get ridiculously high grades on everything and exhaust themselves in doing so because their parents only notice them of they do.

My friends should not be called "lazy" or "cows" because sometimes it's so incredibly hard for them to get out of bed.

My friend should not feel like she can never fail because if she does she'll no longer be able to do what she loves.

Therefore, I propose we have a new method, for children and adults.

I propose we encourage others to succeed but we praise them even if they don't quite get there. I propose we always remind them that failing is not the ultimate evil. I propose we tell them to try.

And if they can't do it this time, don't worry.

We can try again tomorrow.

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.
So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever."-Neil Geiman

A Splash of Pink